Tuesday, August 19, 2008


Monday morning was not a good time. When Blake and I got up at 6:00 we were so tired and our minds were so heavy.

As I took my shower it dawned on me Jake didn't get a bath the night before. I was really sad about that. In all of our concerns we forgot to give him a bath. I felt so terrible about it.

We had to be down in the lobby at 6:45 for our appointment at 7:15. We were Number 5. In the Embassy world your time is important but your number is even more important. A low number means you will be in and out fairly quickly. A high number means you will be there for a long time. I was so happy we had what I thought was a low number.

After getting myself ready I stood in front of the mirror and took a good, hard, long look. I had huge dark circles under my red-from-crying swollen almost shut eyes. Blake didn't look any better. For the first time in my life I felt so old. Already my make up had smeared from tears running down my cheek. I found myself thinking over and over, "Lord I believe he will be able to walk this morning."

I silently made his bottle and put it into his diaper bag along with three toys and two diapers and all the Embassy paperwork.

Blake and I went in together and I got out his little clothes for the Embassy. I had brought a pair of red, white and blue checked shorts and a navy shirt with a big flag on it. It was size 18-24 months. The shoes I had brought him were so huge on him so I opted for the pair he was brought to us in.

When I looked over to the bed Blake was sitting beside him coaxing him awake. He was smiling down at him with misty eyes.

Lord, how in this world could you let a child suffer like this? What did he do to cause so much pain? Please, please help us get through this day.

As Jake was waking I had a hint of hope today would be his day. I remember even thinking, "Today will be the day Jake learns all about how good the world can be." It was such a funny thought at the time but now as I look back I believe it was so true. If only we knew just how much at that time.

I still feel bad about no bath on his day but I did give him a quick rub down with a wash cloth and dressed him.

The time for truth had come. As I started to stand him up on the floor, his little legs started to "dance" again. My heart started to sink and then I felt such comfort again. God had great plans and I was trying to rush him to fulfil my own needs. Even with my best intentions I was trying to hurry God and God will not be hurried.

I started to stand up and immediately he broke out into a smile and his little legs wrapped around me. It was so clear to me God was working and I was being told to wait.

Wait again. Why was God saying wait? This child was so behind why did we need to wait? What were we waiting on? What if we missed the sign we were waiting on? What if we needed to move to allow him free reign of the house? What if?? What if??? What if???

Instantly God stopped me. It was as if He was standing beside me and said aloud, "Wait. I love him too."

Oh sorry God. For a second I forgot that.

We were down in the lobby of a gorgeous hotel by 6:35. Even to this day I have such a small memory of it. What I do remember seems to be in gray tones. I am not sure why unless it was because of the sorrow of this pick up trip.

As we sat on the sofa and waited for our interpreter, Jake took the opportunity to be passed from one of us to the other. He smiled so much. He was drinking his morning bottle and looked so cute with his little blanket wrapped around him.

His clothes were way too big on him. He looked as if he was about a size 9 months and there he was sitting in an 18-24 month old size. He looked so sweet.

That is when it hit me. I believed God was helping me but I think what I needed more than anything was to cry again. I was surprised when I felt the tears on my cheeks. I should have been dehydrated from crying so much the night before.

The tears were warm and they continued to roll faster than the one before. I couldn't stop. I once again wanted to run. Where? Why? What is going on?

Blake put his arm around me and Jake immediately scooted off his lap onto mine. It was as if someone had stabbed me in the heart. I looked down on this angelic face sitting on my lap with his little bobbly head. I loved him so much already.

The only thing I could think was "I love you. I love you. We love you. God loves you and has big plans for you."

We looked up to see Henry standing within 20 feet of us. He was smiling. Blake forced a smile and through my tears I tried hard to smile.

He came over he sat down and talked to us. He knew about last night's surprise. He knew we had tried to get in touch with our facilitator. He knew a lot. How?

Then he told us S and M had called and let him know there was quite a problem. Interestingly, although we had not heard from our facilitator, she had called S and told her to tell Henry to tell us, "If you don't want him that is okay. Go to the Embassy. Sign all the documents and when you get back in the US you can disrupt his adoption and I will find him a new home."


Please tell me I just heard him wrong? I looked up to see him frowning as if the words were sticking in his throat.

He also said S told him to tell us that is not a good idea.

Wait a minute here. You want us to go to the Embassy and take an oath to be his parents and LIE about it? (If we don't want him.) You are so crazy. I immediately became so mad I couldn't see straight. As I stood up I got so dizzy I thought I would pass out and handed Jake to Blake without saying a word.

I don't remember getting to Henry's car but I do remember getting in and being handed Jake.

I was furious. No child is like a puppy. You don't take them home and the decide you don't want them. You cannot say that. You cannot do that. You cannot be that cold and uncaring Ms. facilitator.

My mamma bear instincts really kicked in. At that moment I believe I could have moved an ocean to get my child what he needed.

Blake and Henry made small talk. I don't remember. I do remember he was very sweet and kind. He told us all about life in Guatemala. I don't know what he said.

My whole world at that moment consisted of the cute little boy on my lap. He was my son. No way could I "give him up". The only thing I remember about that ride was Blake's arm protectively around my shoulder and his other hand on Jake's leg. I could tell he too was blown away.

1 comment:

Becky said...

Okay, you really should become a mystery writer - you have the suspense and cliff-haning down!!!! Who is Henry? Waiting to hear more!!!!