Thursday, July 31, 2008


Oh.,.. I forgot something important to this story.
We had asked S and M to make us an appointment with the neurologist who had been seeing Jake. We had asked for that in November 2007 and asked he continue to see Jake until pick up. We found out then he had only seen him once. We had asked and were going to pay for these visits and the facilitator did not follow through. He had one visit in November that we were told was normal! The report S and M gave us was the original report and it did not say anything about being normal.

And also I do not have pictures for Sunday at all. We do have a video but in the confusion and shock of the evening it did not dawn on us until Monday that we had not taken a picture of him!

So we walked into our hotel room and shut the door. It is easy to be happy when you are out in public but when you walk into the comfort of your room, it is hard to smile when you are so concerned.

We had decided not to give him any indication that anything was wrong. As I got his things for bed, Blake sat on the step up to on bed and played with him. They walked together and played peek a boo. It was so bittersweet for me to watch them play. I loved this little boy with all my heart already and it was breaking that he could be handicapped for the rest of his life and unable to care for himself.

We called home and talked to the kids. It wasn't a long call. I just didn't have the strength to answer lots of questions. We did share with them how gorgeous their brother was and what a sweetheart he was.

We dressed him and gave him his bottle and laid him on our bed with us. He slurped up the bottle and was giggling at us as we took turns cuddling him.

Blake got up and took him near his crib. He immediately started to cry and it was horrible. The little guy acted as if he was scared of the crib.

Blake immediately brought him back to our bed and we slowly got dressed for the night.

There is not a night in memory that was as long as that.

We cuddled him until he was sound asleep. Then we chose to let him sleep with us.

He cuddled up next to his dad and every time Blake moved, Jake moved closer to him.

The entire night we talked. So many question and so few answers.

1- What is really wrong with Jake?
God I believe in your healing and your strength for Jake's life.

2- If he is going to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair, we will need to find another house--Soon. Our real estate market is dead and our house is gorgeous and very unique. There is no way to get into any part of the "family house" without going up stairs. All the kids' bedrooms are up yet another flight of stairs. We couldn't see a way to sell our home in this market.

What was God telling us?

3- What will be the extent of his CP? Will he ever get to experience life without a wheelchair or even be able to care for his daily needs?

God are you listening to our questions?

4- Before we left I received a call from our pastor asking me to teach Children's Church for our church. It is job that requires lots of preparation. It was a job I love so much. How can I do all this and take care of our family and get Jake to therapy, etc?

God what is your plan? Is this a test to see if I will put my children first?

5- At some point we need to tell the kids about this before we get home.

God here we are asking again for a miracle. I know you are listening but I am so scared.

6- Who do we call when we get home to start this whole process?

God I am really scared for him. Can you help me calm down?

While all of this is going on, Jake is moving around all over the bed. I do mean all over. He was kicking and moving his legs in his sleep like he was "Dancing". He was rolling all over the bed. His body had to be touching Blake's at all times. I had to be holding his hand. If not he would wake up enough to find it.

We talked and prayed all night long. I did finally fall asleep for about an hour. I prayed even in my sleep. At some point in the night I asked God for a complete miracle by morning. I wanted to see our son walking in the morning. I truly, 100% believe that God could do this but was this his plan?

Jake mumbled in his sleep. Every time I heard his gorgeous voice I would cry. My cries would lead to sobs and I would leave the room because I didn't want to add extra stress to Blake. He said later he didn't notice or guess that I was crying. I am so happy for this. My crying was for our son not for us. It was because of the sadness that was there from the lies.

We knew what had to be done in the morning. We had to talk to someone at the Embassy and ask for help. Interestingly though we had no idea what kind of help we needed from them. I just knew I didn't want other parents to experience what we had.

I wanted so much to call my sisters or my mother but I just couldn't because I didn't want to add my sorrow to their daily stress at home without answers. I wanted to run away with him in my arms but where would I go? How would that help the situation?

God please hear my cries and understand I am not blaming you for this mistake in information. I still believe with all my heart he was meant to be our son. A little time to prepare for this would have been nice but I know you love him more than we could ever. Please, please, heal him by sunrise. Please let me know what to do. I am not even sure why I am asking this question. Please help me I am way too tired and upset to pray. I am emotionally exhausted. I am physically exhausted. I need You to lift me up and help me to hold it together for him and for us. Please help however You think is best. Can you give me a clue what is going to happen?

I must have prayed these same words over and over as I was waiting to see the sun coming up. It started to lighten a bit outside the window.

My miracle God. Please don't forget. Please don't forget. I believe 100% you can do this. P.S. God, please remove any unbelief in my heart.

God did perform my miracle but it was not in any way I would have expected!!! Once again his perfect plan is better than any plan I could hope for.

Tomorrow Monday's pictures and a recap of that wonderful day. The day Jake started to live life and realize there was a big exciting world out there for him. For this first time in his little life I believe he became alive. He had been of this world but I don't think he knew anything about it until Monday.


Candy said...

AWWW...girl you are good with keeping us hanging and by the way you are a great writer too...HUGS

Amy said...

I'm hanging here too... and praying while I am hanging... Love, Amy

DebbieT said...

Cindi,my goodness. So much has happened in your world since I've been able to sit down and spend some time soaking up all the blogs I love to read. I'm praying for your little Jake and you both. You're a wonderful storyteller - I'm waiting on pins and needles to read what the next day in your journey brought you. Hugs to you. DebbieT